i sit here in my cold, dark room. the only sound is coming from the air passing through the vent. the house is quiet and i am alone in my thoughts. that sinking feeling returns and tears pool in my eyes. things are wrong. they are hard and i find myself sad. it shouldn’t be this way but it is and i haven’t forced myself to accept it yet. that’s a task i’ll leave for another day. no strength now. no will power now. just sadness.
i find it disappointing to know that my entire existence is mediocre. in the grand scheme of things, i am no one. i go through the motions of life every day…and no one cares. no one! i mean, to me, that is just mind boggling. i will go through my life, work my ass off to get by, and it will go unnoticed. this is the only life i have and i am restricted by social norms and what is deemed to be ‘acceptable’. i want to break free. i want to follow my dreams. i want to make something of myself and i want people to remember me. i want to be that person that people talk about, the one that is idolized. i am restless. i want to be reckless. i want to have fun and mess things up. i want to live on the edge and take opportunities. no holding back, full speed ahead.
Don’t touch me. Get off me. Don’t kiss me. Don’t hug me. Get away. Why don’t you understand? I hate it. No one gets it. You turned it into a joke. But it’s a real problem. It makes me feel strange. I can’t figure this out and I don’t understand it and yet you want me to give you answers. They’re not there. I don’t have them for you. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t want to be like this. I just want to fit in. Stop asking what’s wrong. My mind is mostly blank. Not too much going on most of the time. Maybe that’s the problem. The lack of something going on up there. And when there is something, it’s so intense it hurts. Even if it’s joy. I want to die right there. With that overwhelming sense at that moment. Even if it’s sadness or anger. At least it’s something. I want to die feeling it no matter what it is. Ugh I’m tired and rambling. I don’t know what I’m saying. Am I unhappy? I don’t know. No, I don’t think I’m unhappy. I guess I should sleep. I’ll probably have to edit this tomorrow. I’m just so scrambled up right now. It doesn’t make sense.
i feel nothing right now. and yet tears stream down my face. what is happening to me. i feel scared and yet i have seen this coming all along. there is no hope. i will never find my plateau or what normal people just call an average day. never a day without anger or sadness. it’s always there and i just don’t believe there’s a way for me to get away from it. it’s there for no reason. just haunting someone who wishes to be free. i want to be normal for those around me to make things easier. but maybe since i’m like this it will be easier for them when i go. i am a coward. i don’t know how much i can or WANT to do this. what other options do i have?